The first seven days of mourning after burial, during which mourners observe special customs (sitting on a low chair, staying home, and more) and receive visitors who come to console them. is a week in which the house fills with people, and the family is supposed to do nothing. That gap – between the need to rest and the dozens of things that have to happen – is what exhausts families. This guide orders the week by time: what is urgent in the first hours, what happens on the day of the funeral, how to prepare the house, what an ordinary shiva day looks like, and what to do when you get up.
The principle that repeats at every stage: the mourners do not manage. One person outside the first circle receives the list and shares it out. This site has a tool for that, the shiva manager, with the 18 standard tasks, prayer times by city and a door sign. The customs themselves – The tearing of a garment, performed before the funeral as an expression of grief. By custom the tear is on the left side (for a parent) or the right side (for other relatives), and the torn garment is worn throughout shiva., Shabbat during shiva, The first thirty days from burial (including shiva). After shiva ends, mourners observe lighter restrictions – for example avoiding haircuts and celebrations – but return to work and leave the house. – are set out in the mourning customs guide; this page is about what is actually done.
Step 0: The first hours after the death
In these hours there are three things that are truly urgent, and everything else can wait.
1. Death notification and burial permit
In a hospital – the staff issue the death notification. At home – call a doctor or MDA (101) to certify the death, and receive the notification. Without this document the Chevra Kadisha cannot set a funeral. Details and official links in the task list.
2. Chevra Kadisha
Call the Chevra Kadisha for your area of residence. They set the burial place and the time of the funeral, and usually also explain what to bring. In Israel, a standard burial for a resident, in the cemetery of the area of residence, is funded by the National Insurance Institute; payment is required only for an exceptional plot (a reserved plot, a closed cemetery or one outside the area). In Israel the funeral usually takes place the same day or the next, so these hours are crowded.
3. Telling relatives
The closest people – by phone. Wider circles are informed later, in the notice and in groups, and only after the place and time of the funeral are set. This order saves two rounds of messages.
The decisions worth making now
- Where shiva is held. In the home of the deceased, in the home of one of the mourners, or somewhere with a yard and room for a minyan. If the family splits between homes, this is written in the notice.
- Visiting hours. Two windows a day, for example 10:00–13:00 and 16:00–21:00, with a rest hour at midday. Whoever does not write hours gets visitors at seven in the morning.
- Prayer times. Shacharit according to the nearest minyan, mincha and arvit close to sunset. The exact times for your city.
- Who manages. The name and phone number of the person every logistical question goes to. This name appears in the notice and on the sign.
After the decisions – the death notice for print and WhatsApp, and a status image for the phone, with a navigation QR.
Step 1: The funeral and the first day
Before leaving for the funeral
- A garment for kriah. The mourners tear their outer garment and, by custom, wear it throughout the shiva. Not your best garment. The blessing: Baruch Dayan HaEmet.
- Transport. Who drives the mourners, and who collects older people and those without a car. Many cemeteries are far away and short of parking.
- Someone stays at home to receive the chairs and the seudat havra'a, and to open the door for the neighbours.
Seudat havra'a
The first meal after the burial comes from outside – from neighbours, friends, the community – and not from the mourners' food. It is customary to serve round foods: a hard-boiled egg, lentils, a bread roll. Whoever manages the shiva asks one neighbour for this before the funeral, and does not rely on "someone will bring something".
The house when you return
- A seven-day memorial candle burning, on a stable surface away from curtains.
- Mirrors covered, by custom.
- Low chairs for the mourners in place, and chairs for the visitors arranged facing them.
- A sign on the door with the visiting and prayer hours, and another at the building entrance. A sign ready to print.
- The urn on, cups and coffee on the table.
The full equipment list, with quantities and where to get things, is in the shiva equipment guide. Most of it costs nothing.
Step 2: Preparing the house
A house that receives dozens of people a day needs a clear layout, otherwise the visitors wander into the kitchen and the mourners cannot find a corner for themselves.
- The mourners' room. The mourners sit together along one wall, the visitors facing them. A clear path from the door to the mourners, and standing room for the busy hours.
- A room or corner for the minyan. If possible – a separate room with the siddurim and a small table for the prayer leader. If not – arrange the mourners' room so that those praying face Jerusalem without moving furniture for every service.
- The kitchen for helpers only. Trays, urn and cups in the kitchen or on a table at the entrance. One person is responsible there.
- A closed room for the family. One bedroom marked "family only" – for ten minutes of quiet, for medication, for chargers.
- A corner for children. Another room, with games and an adult. Children do not need to sit for hours facing visitors. How to talk with them about what happened.
- Bathroom. Toilet paper, soap and paper towels in double quantity. This is the thing nobody remembers.
- Yard or stairwell. In homes with a yard – plastic chairs outside; in an apartment building – ask the neighbours to bear with the crowds, and put a sign downstairs too.
Step 3: The daily routine during shiva
A typical day in the shiva house looks like this. The hours vary with the season and the nearest minyan.
| Time | What happens | Who is responsible |
|---|---|---|
| 07:00–08:00 | Shacharit with a minyan, at home or in the synagogue. The mourners say Kaddish | The gabbai or a friend who organises the minyan |
| 08:00–10:00 | Breakfast for the mourners, tidying the house, refilling the urn and cups | Kitchen person |
| 10:00–13:00 | Visitors | – |
| 13:00–16:00 | Lunch (from the meals board) and rest. The door is closed, as written on the sign | Shiva manager |
| 16:00–21:00 | Visitors. Close to sunset – mincha and arvit | Minyan organiser |
| 21:00–22:00 | Dinner, taking out the rubbish, shopping for tomorrow | Kitchen person |
What holds the week together
- Meals board. Instead of ten phone calls – a shared board where anyone who wants to help signs up for lunch or dinner on a given day. Whoever manages sees what is missing.
- Minyan. Ten people at every service is not a given, especially at shacharit. Ask the synagogue or friends to commit to specific days.
- Rest hour. Two hours a day when the door is closed. This is not a custom – it is what lets the mourners get through the week.
- Shopping. Cups, drinks and tissues run out every two days. One person buys.
- Conversations that are hard to manage. Someone who comes to visit and does not know what to say – the guide for visitors can be sent to them in advance.
Step 4: Shabbat, festivals and customs in brief
- Shabbat counts as part of shiva but there is no public mourning: Shabbat clothes, a regular chair, going to synagogue. Many do not pay visits on Shabbat. On the sign, write "No visits on Shabbat" or hours after Shabbat ends.
- A festival during shiva changes the calculation, and sometimes cancels the shiva. That is a question for a rabbi, not for an internet search. The calculator warns when a festival falls during shiva.
- Kaddish. Said with a minyan at every service. The text by tradition, in large print for printing, and a personal siddur with the name of the deceased.
- Study for the elevation of the soul. Mishnayot or psalms after the service. Psalms by the letters of the name, ready to print.
- What mourners may and may not do – washing, shoes, work, study – is set out in the customs guide. There are differences between communities and between families.
Step 5: Getting up from shiva, and what comes after
How the days are counted
The day of burial is the first day, even if the burial was in the evening. Mourners get up on the morning of the seventh day after shacharit – so in practice the shiva lasts six days and a bit. Shabbat counts. The date calculator gives the day of getting up, the shloshim, the end of the eleven months and the yahrzeits, with a calendar file.
On the morning of getting up
- After shacharit, by custom, the visitors accompany the mourners outside for a short walk – a sign of returning to the world.
- Many visit the grave that morning.
- Return siddurim, chairs and the urn to whoever lent them, and note whom to thank.
In the weeks after
- A thank-you notice to the visitors, the medical staff and the community.
- An invitation to the shloshim, and later to the anniversary.
- Headstone – ordered towards the shloshim or towards the year, according to family custom. Ask the Chevra Kadisha about the rules of the cemetery.
- Death grant, survivors' rights, inheritance order – in the task list, with links to the official sites.
- The house empties. On the eighth day everyone returns to their routine and the grief stays. Tools for day eight, and for visitors – reminders to be there on day 30 and day 100 too.
Seven mistakes that repeat in almost every shiva
- The mourners manage. The eldest son coordinates chairs between one visitor and the next. The solution: one name of a manager, already in the notice.
- No visiting hours on the door. Visitors arrive at seven in the morning and at eleven at night. A sign solves this on the first day.
- Ten phone calls about food. Three families bring lunch on the same day, and in the evening there is nothing. A meals board sorts this out without a single phone call.
- A minyan of nine. At shacharit you discover one person is missing. Ask in advance for a commitment from three or four people for every service.
- Buying what can be borrowed. Chairs, an urn and siddurim are in every synagogue. Keep the money for disposables and drinks.
- Forgetting the children. An eight-year-old sits for seven hours facing visitors. A quiet corner and a responsible adult – that is a task from day one.
- Not planning for day eight. On the day everyone returns to their routine, the house is suddenly empty. Decide in advance who calls and who comes in the week after, and who brings a meal on day 14 and day 30.