How to be there for them

What to say – and what is better left unsaid

A non-religious or partly-traditional household – what changes

Not every shiva house is religious, and not every custom fits every family. It is worth checking in advance with the family, or on the house's gatekeeper page:

• Flowers: Traditional custom is not to bring flowers to a shiva house, but in non-religious families flowers are often welcome and even appreciated – check with the family.
• Visiting hours: Non-religious families tend to be more flexible about visiting hours, sometimes including on Shabbat; the exact hours are always published in advance by the family.
• Music: Traditional households avoid music during the mourning period; in secular families, quiet music – sometimes a song the person who died loved – can be part of the at-home remembrance.

The guiding rule is always: ask, do not assume. The family decides what is right for their household.

Concrete help – instead of "let me know if you need anything"

1. Offer something specific: "I am bringing dinner on Tuesday", "I will collect the children from kindergarten tomorrow".
2. Coordinate with one person in the family who is in charge, and not with the mourners themselves.
3. Respect the rest hours and the visiting hours that were published.
4. Keep your phone in your pocket. No photos and no posting without the family's permission.

After the shiva

After the shiva the house empties, and many mourners describe those weeks as the hardest of all. A short message at the shloshim, on the birthday of the person who died or on a holiday, or an invitation for coffee – these are remembered for a long time.