Sitting shiva in Israel from abroad: flights, the burial timeline, where you sit, and what you can do from your own city

The Israeli timeline – why it is faster than you expect

Jewish law asks for burial as soon as possible, and in Israel the system delivers it: the burial society (chevra kadisha) usually sets the funeral for the same day or the next morning. There is no embalming, no viewing, no wake. The sequence is:

Can the burial be delayed for you? Sometimes by a few hours, occasionally by a day, if the immediate family asks the chevra kadisha and there is a strong reason (a child flying from far away). It is rarely more than that. Ask immediately; do not assume.

Decision: fly now, fly for shloshim, or sit at home

There is no ranking. A mourner who sits a full shiva at home in Toronto has fulfilled the obligation exactly as one in Jerusalem.

If you fly

1. Book the earliest flight, not the cheapest; tell the family your landing time.
2. Pack for shiva: non-leather shoes, modest clothes, a printed Kaddish transliteration, your medications, a phone charger. Don’t pack black; it is not required.
3. On landing: go straight to the shiva house. If the funeral is still ahead, go to the cemetery. Wash hands at the door when entering after a cemetery.
4. Kriah (tearing the garment): if you missed the funeral, tear on arrival, standing, with a blessing if you are religious – ask the rabbi or an older relative to guide you; it takes a minute.
5. Sit with the household. You share their visiting hours, meals and services. You do not need to know the prayers – stand when they stand, say Kaddish from the transliteration.
6. Get up with them on the seventh morning, even if you arrived on day three.
7. Before flying home: print the yahrzeit dates, arrange who says Kaddish for the year, and agree the shloshim plan.

If you sit at home

1. Tell your community – rabbi, synagogue, close friends, workplace. Send a short notice: who died, when the funeral in Israel is, that you are sitting shiva at home from __ to __, and your visiting hours. The notice generator works in English.
2. Set up the house as in the first-24-hours checklist: low chair, candle, covered mirrors, chairs for visitors. Ask the synagogue for chairs and siddurim.
3. Kaddish: attend the daily minyan; ask the synagogue to hold at least one service at your home during the week if they can. Without a minyan, see the Kaddish guide for substitutes.
4. Count your days: day one is the day of burial in Israel (Israel time), not the day you heard. If you heard more than 30 days later, you sit for one hour only.
5. Be present in Israel by video during their visiting hours: ask the organiser there for a 20-minute slot each day when a laptop is placed near the mourners. The status page tells you when they are receiving.
6. Bereavement leave abroad: rules vary by country and employer; most give three to five days. Shiva is seven – use leave for the rest, and tell HR early.

What you can do for the Israeli side from your city

• The meal schedule. Order dinners to the shiva house through the meal schedule or a local caterer; pay from abroad.
• The memory collection. Open a memory collection and send the link to the deceased’s friends in both countries; the family receives a printable book and all the photos.
• Phone duty from afar. You can be the one who answers the family’s WhatsApp groups and updates the status page – time zones make you useful at their night.
• Charity in their memory – a donation to a cause in Israel, announced in the notice (“in lieu of flowers”).
• The shloshim – organise the invitation (generator) and the gathering; it gives you a concrete role and a reason to fly with notice.

Counting: the rules that confuse people abroad

• Day one is the burial day in Israel, in Israel’s time zone, even if for you it is still the day before.
• Shabbat counts as one of the seven; no public mourning on it.
• A festival ends the shiva: if Pesach, Shavuot, Sukkot, Rosh Hashana or Yom Kippur begins after even one hour of shiva, the shiva is over. Check the shiva calculator on the home page – it flags this.
• Joining late: within three days of burial → count with the household; after → your own seven days from when you heard.
• Heard late: within 30 days → full shiva from when you heard; after 30 days → one hour of mourning.
• Shloshim and Kaddish run from the burial, not from your shiva.
• Yahrzeit is the Hebrew date of death, not burial; the calculator gives it for ten years with calendar reminders.

Red flags

• Waiting to book until “we know the funeral time”. Book; change if needed.
• Assuming the burial will wait for you. Ask explicitly, today.
• Sitting “half a shiva” – working from the laptop while sitting low. Either take the days or don’t; the tradition has no half-measure and neither does grief.
• Nobody told your own community, so no one visits you at home.
• Skipping Kaddish because your synagogue is far. One service a day; the rest is substitutes.
• Flying home on day six to save a day of leave. The seventh morning is the point.

Printable checklist – relative abroad

• Burial time in Israel confirmed: ________ (Israel time) · can it wait? asked ☐
• Decision: fly for funeral / fly for shiva / fly for shloshim / sit at home
• Flight booked ☐ · landing time sent to family ☐
• My community told (rabbi, synagogue, friends, work) ☐
• My notice sent (if sitting at home) · visiting hours ________
• Non-leather shoes ☐ · Kaddish transliteration printed ☐
• Home setup (if staying): low chair ☐ candle ☐ mirrors ☐ visitor chairs ☐
• Daily minyan location and times: ________
• Video slot with the Israeli house: ________ daily
• Meals to the Israeli house ordered / schedule shared ☐
• Memory collection opened and shared ☐
• Day 7 (getting up): ________ · Shloshim: ________ · First yahrzeit: ________
• Kaddish arrangement for the year: ________

Where this connects

For the Israeli family’s own list, the Hebrew guides cover everything from the meal of consolation to the bank. In English: what to do during shiva, the Kaddish guide, and the yahrzeit calculator for every date of the year ahead.