From the death until the funeral (aninut)
- The time between the death and the burial is called aninut. The close relatives are busy with the funeral arrangements, and according to halacha they are exempt from mitzvot such as prayer and putting on tefillin.
- It is customary not to eat meat or drink wine during this time.
- In Israel the funeral usually takes place on the day of death or the following day. The arrangements are made with the Chevra Kadisha. The practical task list, and a printable death notice with the funeral time and shiva address.
Kriah (tearing the garment)
- The mourners tear their outer garment, usually before the funeral or at the cemetery, and say the blessing "Baruch Dayan HaEmet" (Blessed is the true Judge). The blessing and Tzidduk HaDin.
- For a father or mother the tear is made on the left side, over the heart. For other relatives – on the right side.
- It is customary to wear the torn garment throughout the shiva, except on Shabbat.
Seudat havra'a (the meal of consolation)
- The first meal after the burial is served to the mourners by neighbours and friends, and not from the mourners' own food.
- It is customary to serve round foods – a hard-boiled egg and lentils – as a symbol of the cycle of life.
- To coordinate meals for all the days of shiva: the meals and refreshments board.
Shiva
Shiva begins immediately after the burial. The day of burial counts as the first day, and mourners get up on the morning of the seventh day after the shacharit prayer. The date calculator.
What mourners observe
- Sitting on a low chair or on a mattress.
- Not going to work and not engaging in business.
- Not bathing for pleasure and not using make-up. Washing for cleanliness and health is permitted.
- Not wearing leather shoes.
- Not cutting hair or shaving, and not wearing laundered and ironed clothes.
- Not studying Torah, other than matters connected with mourning – such as the book of Job or the laws of mourning.
- Not exchanging greetings and not attending celebrations.
In the shiva house
- A memorial candle burns throughout the days of shiva.
- Many cover the mirrors.
- Prayers are held with a minyan in the house, and the mourners say Kaddish. The Kaddish text by tradition · Psalms for the shiva house.
- The family stays together, usually in the home of the deceased or in the home of one of the mourners.
Shabbat and festivals during shiva
- Shabbat: counts as one of the seven days, but there is no public mourning. Mourners wear Shabbat clothes, sit on a regular chair and go to synagogue. Private restrictions remain in force.
- Festivals: a pilgrimage festival, Rosh Hashana or Yom Kippur that falls during shiva cancels the shiva, and sometimes affects the shloshim as well. The rules are complex, so it is essential to check with a rabbi.
- If the burial took place during chol hamoed (the intermediate days of a festival), shiva begins after the festival.
Shloshim
- Continues until the 30th day from the day of burial.
- Mourners refrain from haircuts and shaving, from new clothes, and from celebrations and events with music.
- For relatives other than parents, mourning ends on the thirtieth day.
- On the thirtieth day it is customary to visit the grave, read psalms and say El Malei Rachamim or Hashkava. Invitation text for the shloshim.
- After shiva, many people experience emptiness and loneliness. Tools for coping – day eight.
The first year and the anniversary
- For a father or mother, mourning is observed for twelve months: mourners refrain from celebrations and entertainment with music.
- Sons say Kaddish for eleven months, and lead the prayers when possible.
- The headstone is usually set at the shloshim or towards the end of the year, according to custom.
- On the anniversary (yahrzeit) – by the Hebrew date – Kaddish is said, a memorial candle is lit and the grave is visited. Yahrzeit calculator.