After the shiva
Day eight
The shiva is over. People have gone back to their lives, and the house is too quiet. This page gathers tools that have been tested in research on grief and loneliness – short, practical, and saved only on your device.
Reviewed The content has been reviewed and approved for publication (28.09.2026). For practical questions, ask your community rabbi / a professional. Found a mistake? Write to us
What is happening now – and why it is familiar
The emptiness after the fullness
During shiva there is a daily routine, people and tasks. On day eight everything stops at once. A sense of emptiness, loneliness and even anger that "the world carries on" are very common responses.
Waves, not a straight line
According to the Dual Process Model (Stroebe & Schut), healthy coping moves between time for grief – longing, crying, memories – and time for life – tasks, people, a rest from the pain. Both are needed.
The body grieves too
Tiredness, trouble falling asleep, changes in appetite and difficulty concentrating are common in the first months. A basic routine – sleep, meals, movement and daylight – is the foundation for everything else.
There is no "right" timetable
There are no stages that must be passed in order, and no date by which you "should" feel better. Everyone at their own pace.
A plan for the week after shiva
For each day: one small action of time for grief, one action of time for life, and one person to get in touch with. This is based on the Dual Process Model and on Behavioural Activation – small actions planned in advance, which restore a sense of direction even when there is no strength.
Day eight
Day 9
Day 10
Day 11
Day 12
Day 13
Day 14
The close circle
Loneliness is one of the main difficulties after shiva, and many people do not know how to help. Write down three people and what you could ask of each of them – a specific request is easier to make and easier to accept.
Bereavement support groups can help too. In Israel, information on groups in your area is available from the social services department of your local authority and from your health fund.
Expressive writing
Research on emotional writing (Pennebaker) found that writing for 15–20 minutes, on several consecutive days, about your deepest thoughts and feelings can bring relief. The writing is saved only on this device, and you can delete it at any moment.
If the writing becomes overwhelming – stop. You can switch to guided breathing or the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise.
A continuing bond with the person who died
The "continuing bonds" research (Klass, Silverman & Nickman) showed that grief is not only a parting: many people keep an inner connection with the person who died, and this can support adjustment. A few ways:
- A letter. Write to them once a week – what happened, what is missing, what you would have asked their advice about.
- A memory box. An object, a letter, a photo, a recipe. One place you can open when you need to.
- "What would they have said?" In a decision, small or large – ask that question.
- Carrying on their path. A good deed, a donation, study or a family tradition in their name.
- A small ritual. A candle on Friday, a fixed place at the table, a regular visit.
Self-compassion – three minutes
Based on the work of Kristin Neff on self-compassion. Suited to moments of guilt ("I should have...") or self-criticism.
- Notice: "This is a hard moment. I am in pain."
- Remember that I am not alone: "Others who have lost someone they love feel this way too."
- Speak to myself as I would to a friend: "What would I say to a friend in my situation?" – and say it to myself. You can place a hand on your heart.
Shloshim and hard dates
Certain days are especially hard: the shloshim, holidays, birthdays and the anniversary. It helps to plan them in advance – whom to be with, what to do, and when to rest.
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The count starts on the day of burial. The date of the memorial and the customs vary – it is best to confirm with your community rabbi.
When to seek help
See a professional if…
- Many months on, the longing or preoccupation with the person who died is still intense almost every day, and makes it hard to function at home or at work.
- There is persistent difficulty accepting that the death happened, a sense of detachment or emptiness, or avoidance of everything that is a reminder.
- Hopelessness, or increased use of alcohol, medication or other substances.
The World Health Organization (ICD-11) defines "prolonged grief disorder" when the symptoms last at least six months and impair functioning; in the DSM-5-TR the threshold for adults is one year. Effective treatments for prolonged grief exist.
Where to turn in Israel: your family doctor, the mental-health clinics of your health fund, the social services department of your local authority.
Questions about the time after shiva
Why is it harder after the shiva?
During shiva the house is full, there is a daily routine and people around. On day eight they return to their lives, and the grief stays. Many people describe the weeks after shiva as the hardest of all. This is a familiar response, and not a sign that something is wrong.
Is it normal to have good days and then hard ones again?
Yes. According to the Dual Process Model (Stroebe & Schut), healthy coping with grief moves back and forth between moments of engaging with the loss and moments of returning to life. The swinging itself is part of recovery.
When should I seek professional help?
If, many months on, the longing or preoccupation with the person who died is still intense almost every day and interferes with functioning, or if there is persistent hopelessness, increased use of alcohol or medication, or thoughts of death – see your family doctor or a professional. With thoughts of self-harm – right away: ERAN 1201 (in Israel).
Is it all right to keep "talking" to the person who died?
Yes. Research on "continuing bonds" (Klass, Silverman & Nickman) shows that many people keep an inner connection with the person who died – in thought, in a letter, in a ritual or by carrying on their path – and this can support adjustment.
More tools
Daily anchors
Three small reminders a day – rest, water and food, switching off in the evening – straight to your calendar.
Open →When you can't sleep
A dark, quiet screen for the night hours, with a few simple steps.
Open →Guided breathing
One to three minutes of slow breathing, at the pace shown on screen.
Open →General information based on research in the field of grief, and not a substitute for diagnosis or treatment. The content is under professional review. Main sources: Stroebe & Schut (1999), the Dual Process Model; Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996), continuing bonds; Pennebaker, expressive writing; Neff, self-compassion; ICD-11 and DSM-5-TR, prolonged grief disorder.