Bottom line – if the funeral is today
- Who: a child of the deceased says Kaddish; other first-degree relatives may. If no relative can, anyone may say it on the family’s behalf.
- When: at every service where there is a minyan (ten Jewish adults) – morning, afternoon and evening – at the points marked in the siddur. The first Kaddish is at the grave.
- How long: 11 months for a parent, 30 days for others; then every yahrzeit.
- You do not need Hebrew. Read it from a transliteration; the congregation answers “Amen” and “Yehei shmei rabba” – you only need to pause where marked.
What Kaddish is – and what it is not
The Mourner’s Kaddish (Kaddish Yatom, “the orphan’s Kaddish”) contains no mention of death. It is a short Aramaic doxology praising God’s name and asking for peace. Saying it in public, in the presence of a minyan, is the mourner’s way of continuing to sanctify God’s name on behalf of someone who no longer can. The traditional understanding is that it elevates the soul of the deceased; the modern understanding adds that it structures the mourner’s day around a community for a year.
It is not a prayer for the dead in the sense of a petition, it is not recited alone, and it does not require knowledge of Hebrew. Most people who say Kaddish for a parent learn the words within a week.
Who says it
| Relative of the deceased | Practice | Duration |
|---|---|---|
| Son | Obligated by universal custom | 11 months, then yahrzeit |
| Daughter | Widely accepted in many communities; in strictly traditional communities a son or another man says it | 11 months, then yahrzeit |
| Father / mother (for a child) | Customary | 30 days; many continue 11 months |
| Spouse | Customary | 30 days; many continue 11 months |
| Brother / sister | Customary | 30 days |
| Grandchild, nephew, friend | Permitted when no first-degree relative says it | As arranged |
When several mourners are present: in most synagogues today everyone says Kaddish together, aloud, at the same pace. In some older Ashkenazi congregations one mourner says it on behalf of all – follow the local practice.
Converts, adopted children, non-Jewish parent: a convert may say Kaddish for a non-Jewish parent; an adopted child says Kaddish for adoptive parents. Ask a rabbi about specifics – these are common questions with lenient answers.
When, in each service
The Mourner’s Kaddish is said several times a day, always at fixed points and always with a minyan:
- Shacharit (morning): after the psalm of the day and after Aleinu; on some days also after the morning psalms (Pesukei deZimra) and after the Torah reading. Typically 2–4 times.
- Mincha (afternoon): after Aleinu. Usually once.
- Ma’ariv (evening): after Aleinu, and after the psalm at the end. Once or twice.
- At the grave: immediately after burial, a special longer form (Kaddish HaGadol / “Kaddish after burial”) in many communities; the regular Mourner’s Kaddish in others.
- During shiva: services are held in the shiva house so the mourners can say Kaddish without leaving. If there is no minyan at home, mourners go to the synagogue – this is the one accepted reason to leave the house during shiva.
Standing: the mourner stands. In Ashkenazi practice the congregation may sit; in Sephardi practice many stand as well. Face the same direction as for prayer, feet together, and take three steps back at “Oseh shalom” as at the end of the Amidah.
How long – counting the months
- A parent: 11 months from the day of burial. If burial was on the 10th of Cheshvan, the last day of Kaddish is the 9th of Elul. The reason for stopping at 11 rather than 12: the tradition that only the wicked are judged for a full year; saying Kaddish for 12 months would imply the parent needed it.
- Other relatives: 30 days (shloshim). Many continue to 11 months anyway; this is permitted and common.
- A leap year: counted by months, not days – 11 Hebrew months regardless of whether Adar is doubled.
- Every yahrzeit: Kaddish on the Hebrew anniversary of death (not burial), at all three services, for life. The yahrzeit calculator gives the Hebrew date and the next ten anniversaries with calendar reminders.
- Yizkor: four times a year (Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, last day of Pesach, Shavuot) the memorial prayer is said in synagogue; Kaddish follows it.
Ashkenazi vs Sephardi – what is different
| Element | Ashkenazi | Sephardi / Edot HaMizrach |
|---|---|---|
| Text | Standard Mourner’s Kaddish | Adds “veyatzmach purkanei vikarev meshichei” in the first paragraph |
| Pronunciation | “Yisgadal veyiskadash” (many) or “Yitgadal veyitkadash” | “Yitgadal veyitkadash” |
| Who says it | All mourners together, or one for all in older shuls | All mourners together, congregation often stands |
| Response | “Amen. Yehei shmei rabba mevarach le’alam ule’almei almaya” | Same, with “yitbarach” continued by the congregation |
| Daughters | Community-dependent | Less common in traditional communities; a son or the chazan says it |
The prayers page has both versions side by side with the responses marked; choose the one used in the synagogue you attend, not the one your family “should” use – matching the room matters more.
Protocol – the first week, step by step
Before the funeral
- Ask the chevra kadisha or officiating rabbi whether Kaddish at the grave will be the long form; they will lead it.
- Print a transliteration – large type, one page – and keep it in your pocket. The personal siddur produces a booklet with the deceased’s name and the Kaddish for your rite.
During shiva (7 days)
- Arrange three services a day in the shiva house if you can gather ten; the shiva manager assigns a “minyan captain” and posts the times on the door sign.
- If there is no minyan at home, go to the nearest synagogue for at least one service a day. Wear non-leather shoes; you may travel.
- Say Kaddish at every marked point. If you lose your place, wait for the next one – nobody minds.
After shiva – building the routine
- Choose one synagogue with a reliable daily minyan (ask for the “daily minyan” times – early morning and just before sunset are typical).
- Decide what is realistic: three times a day is the ideal; once a day is far better than giving up after two weeks. Many mourners do morning daily and add the others when they can.
- Travelling: use minyan-finder apps or the local Chabad; in Israel, every neighbourhood has multiple minyanim.
- Mark the end date (11 months) and the first yahrzeit in your calendar now – the calculator exports both.
What to do when you cannot say Kaddish
- No minyan available: attend when you can; on other days learn a mishnah, say a psalm (the psalms by the deceased’s name page is built for this), or give charity in their memory. These are the traditional substitutes.
- Online minyanim: rabbinic opinion is divided on whether Kaddish may be said over video. Ask the rabbi you rely on; many permit answering “Amen” and some permit saying Kaddish with a physical minyan on the other side.
- Hiring someone: arranging for a person in Israel or a yeshiva to say Kaddish for the year is a long-standing practice. It does not replace your own Kaddish when you are able, but it guarantees continuity. Ask your community rabbi for a trustworthy arrangement rather than paying an anonymous website.
- Women in communities where women do not say Kaddish: a son, brother or the chazan says it; the daughter answers Amen and may study or give charity. Many communities today welcome women saying Kaddish – ask.
Red flags
- Paying a stranger online with no accountability for a year of Kaddish. Use your rabbi’s referral.
- Stopping at 12 months for a parent – the custom is 11.
- Counting from the day of death instead of burial.
- Skipping Kaddish because you are not religious. Kaddish is the one practice almost every Jewish family keeps; the synagogue expects beginners and will help.
- Saying Kaddish alone at home – it needs a minyan. A psalm at home is the substitute, not a solo Kaddish.
Printable checklist
- Transliteration printed (large type) – in pocket for the funeral
- Rite chosen (Ashkenazi / Sephardi) to match the synagogue
- Shiva-house services: morning ____ afternoon/evening ____ · minyan captain: ________
- Nearest daily minyan: ________ times ________
- Realistic plan: 3× / 2× / 1× a day
- End of Kaddish (11 months / 30 days): ________ (Hebrew date)
- First yahrzeit: ________ · added to calendar
- Yizkor dates this year noted
- Substitute for days without a minyan: psalm / mishnah / charity
- Backup arrangement (community / Israel) if travel is frequent
Where this connects
The words themselves, in Hebrew, transliteration and translation, are on the prayers page; a printable booklet with the deceased’s name is at personal siddur; and every date you will need for the year is in the yahrzeit calculator.