Bottom line – before you walk in
- Don’t say hello. Walk in quietly, sit, and let the mourner speak first.
- Listen more than you talk. The best opener, if they are silent: “Tell me about her.”
- When you get up to leave, say the phrase: HaMakom yenachem etchem betoch she’ar avelei Tziyon viYerushalayim (Ashkenazi), Min hashamayim tenuchamu (Sephardi), or “May you know no more sorrow.”
- 20–30 minutes, during visiting hours, never on Shabbat. Bring a meal via the meal schedule, not flowers.
Why there is a script – and why it helps
Most people dread a shiva call because they don’t know what to say. Jewish tradition solved this centuries ago: the visitor doesn’t have to say anything. You enter in silence, you wait for the mourner to open, and you leave with a fixed sentence. The Talmud’s rule – “the comforters may not open until the mourner opens” (Moed Katan 28b) – protects both sides: the visitor from having to perform, the mourner from having to host.
If you remember one thing: your presence is the comfort. The words are secondary.
Step 1 – before the visit
- Check the hours. The family’s notice (or their live status page) lists visiting hours. Typical: 10:00–13:00 and 16:00–21:00. Between those, they eat, pray and rest.
- No Shabbat visits. From Friday sunset to Saturday night the shiva pauses in public; do not visit.
- Plan what to bring (see below) and put it on the meal schedule.
- Dress: modest and plain. No need for black.
- If the family is not religious: the same rules apply loosely – quiet entry, short stay, no hosting expected. Many secular Israeli families keep the low chairs and the door open but skip the prayers.
Step 2 – entering
- The door is usually unlocked or open; walk in without knocking or ringing.
- Find the mourners – they sit low, together, often facing the entrance.
- Sit near them if there is a seat; otherwise stand at the back. Don’t hover over them.
- Say nothing until the mourner speaks. Eye contact, a hand on the arm, a nod. If they are talking to someone else, wait your turn quietly.
- If a prayer service starts, stay, stand when others stand, answer “Amen” when you hear it. You need not know the words.
Step 3 – the conversation
If the mourner speaks first, follow their lead. They may want to tell the story of the last days, or talk about the weather. Both are fine.
If they are silent and look at you, the safest openers:
- “Tell me about him.”
- “How did you two meet?” (to a spouse)
- “What was she like as a mother?” (to a child)
- “I remember when he…” – a specific memory of yours is the most valuable thing you can bring.
Good things to say:
- “I’m here.”
- “I have no words. I just wanted to be with you.”
- “She once told me…” / “He helped me when…”
- “I’ll bring dinner on Thursday” – specific, not “if you need anything.”
Things not to say:
| Don’t say | Why |
|---|---|
| “How did it happen?” / “Was it sudden?” | Forces them to retell the worst moment |
| “At least he didn’t suffer” / “At least she was 90” | Minimises the loss |
| “Everything happens for a reason” / “It’s God’s will” | Theology is not comfort; the tradition itself forbids it during shiva |
| “I know exactly how you feel” | You don’t |
| “Let me know if you need anything” | Puts the work on them; offer something specific |
| “You’re so strong” | Pressures them not to fall apart |
| Stories of your own losses (unless asked) | The visit is about them |
Silence is fine. Sitting for ten minutes without a word is a legitimate shiva visit. Some of the most remembered visitors said nothing.
Step 4 – leaving
After 20–30 minutes, stand up. Face the mourners and say, quietly:
- Ashkenazi: HaMakom yenachem etchem betoch she’ar avelei Tziyon viYerushalayim. (“May the Omnipresent comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”) To a single mourner: yenachem otcha (m.) / otach (f.).
- Sephardi / Mizrahi: Min hashamayim tenuchamu (“May you be comforted from Heaven”), or Tenuchamu min hashamayim.
- In English, in any home: “May you be comforted,” or “May you know no more sorrow.”
Do not shake hands or say goodbye in the usual way; the phrase is the goodbye. Leave without lingering at the door.
What to bring – and what not
| Bring | Don’t bring |
|---|---|
| A complete dinner for the family, on the meal schedule | Flowers or plants (not customary) |
| Disposable plates, cups, cutlery – always short | Cakes and pastries (there are already too many) |
| Practical help: a school run, a supermarket run, dog walking | Wine (unless you know the family drinks it) |
| A donation to a charity in the deceased’s memory, with a card | Gifts for the mourners |
| A photo or letter about the deceased, to leave with them | Anything that needs washing up |
Food should be kosher if the family keeps kosher – when in doubt, buy sealed from a kosher shop or ask the meal coordinator.
Condolence messages – for when you can’t come
Rules: one sentence about the deceased (a memory or quality), one about the mourner, one specific offer, and the traditional closing. Four lines. Send on day two or three, not during the funeral.
Close friend:
“I’ve been thinking about you all day. Your father was the man who asked after my parents every single time – that was who he was. I’m coming Wednesday evening and I’ll bring dinner Thursday. Love you.”
Colleague:
“I’m so sorry about your mother. I never met her, but from everything you’ve told us it’s obvious where your patience comes from. I’ve got your projects covered for the next two weeks – don’t think about work. May you be comforted.”
Someone far away:
“I can’t be there and it hurts. I remember Dan at your wedding, dancing badly and loudly. I’ll call next week when things are quieter, and if you’d like, we’ll light a candle together on the yahrzeit. May you know no more sorrow.”
Formal / from an organisation:
“On behalf of everyone at [company], please accept our deepest condolences on the passing of your father, [name]. Your colleagues will be visiting on Tuesday evening. Take the time you need; we are here. HaMakom yenachem etchem.”
Red flags for visitors
- Arriving at mealtimes or after 9 pm.
- Bringing your children unless they knew the deceased – a shiva house is not a playdate.
- Taking photos or posting about the visit.
- Turning the visit into a reunion with the other visitors; keep side conversations quiet and short.
- Asking the mourners for anything – a drink, the Wi-Fi, directions. Ask another visitor.
- Staying to “keep them company” for two hours. Leave; come back another day.
Printable checklist – shiva visit
- Visiting hours checked (not Shabbat, not mealtimes)
- Meal slot booked on the family’s schedule, or practical help offered
- Kosher status confirmed
- One specific memory of the deceased ready to share
- The closing phrase written in my phone: HaMakom yenachem etchem betoch she’ar avelei Tziyon viYerushalayim
- Phone silenced
- 20–30 minutes – set a mental timer
- Follow-up planned: a call at day 14 / 30 / 60 (calendar reminders)
After the shiva
The hardest weeks come after the visitors stop. The comforters page adds reminders to your calendar for day 14, 30, 60 and 100 – a message or a call on those days matters more than the visit itself.